…Not exactly catching on in the field of high-end tombstone accessories.  "I haven’t sold any," said Doug Ellis of Riverview Monuments in Wisconsin — a sentiment not uncommon amongst dealers.  The not so popular “Serenity Panel” that boast less that HD quality images and a mediocre audio interface, (1 to 2 head phone jacks) is available for the reasonable MSRP of $2000.00.  For that it is amazing that these units are not flying off the shelves! 
One would venture to ask, “…Now how is this possible, when I know aunt Hilda jumped at the chance to pose old uncle Filbert all dressed up in his ice fishing gear and even erect a make shift replica of the old fishing cabin inside the funeral home, we can’t move a few units of these wonderful high tech whatca-ma-dos!”  In fact, Cheri Lucking, Vidstone’s national sales director asked that exactly! 
To add insult to injury, when asked what the end of the fiscal year numbers were for last year, she simply said, “None of your business!”  She was later recorded stating, "We don’t release our sales figures," adding, "It is not a huge number at the moment."  Uh huh…that’s what she said! 

**Look out for iTomb products due out late 2008
The full article can be found here ingenious enhancement  

Congress recently found out that in 2005 the CIA destroyed videos of them getting medieval on the asses of suspected terrorists. I know, the obliviousness is rather hilarious right? Apparently, many members of Congress believed that pertinent / sensitive / secret information was given to the CIA through the use of rigorous military tickling techniques developed by Mistress Mona Blu. I pray that these assholes aren’t fucking serious. I mean, I didn’t need a tape to know that the police fuck niggas up. I didn’t need a tape to know that Paris Hilton gives lazy ass blow jobs. The only logical explanation for the hysterical displays of naivety is that them muhfuccahs are dumb high off some new shit they’re getting from drug lobbyists.

The Bush administration has told Congress to shut the fuck and mind their own fucking business before they witness the interrogation techniques in question firsthand. Since the incident has become known, high-ranking Bush administration officials have been seen rocking “Stop Snitching” t-shirts and lapel pins around capital square. A large portion of Congress has since ceased the tough rhetoric and returned to acting as bitch ass niggas.

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MIAMI, Florida – NASA released emails detailing the relationship between former astronaut Lisa Nowak (a.k.a. the diaper bitch) and space shuttle pilot William Oefelein. The INS has obtained an exclusive excerpt of one of the IM exchanges between the two…

BuckRodgers343:  did i leave my helmet over there last night?
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  over here?
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX: i didn’t even see u yesterday!
BuckRodgers343:  i meant last week
BuckRodgers343:  when we did the 1000-mile high club video
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  we havent fucked in 2 weeks
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  space flight throws off my period
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  I was on cycle last week
BuckRodgers343:  stop fucking around
BuckRodgers343:  I fucked u on your period a few times
BuckRodgers343:  my dick always looks like the missing murder weapon from the OJ trial
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX: don’t try and change the subject!
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  I know you’re fucking that bitch!
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX: we haven’t made a video since i used the buzz lightyear doll as a strap on
BuckRodgers343:  we didn’t tape that shit!
BuckRodgers343: bitch, u bet not have that shit on tape!
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  u better not be fucking that bitch asshole!
BuckRodgers343: if I was u crazy bitch?!
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  id drive across the country wearing a pair of diapers, latex gloves, a hooded tan trench coat and a black wig… ill be packing a pistol, pepper spray, a hammer, a beat street VHS tape, some rubber tubing, some plastic garbage bags, a thigh master, a pack of turkey bacon and an eight-inch Gerber folding knife
BuckRodgers343: what?!
Xx_Princess-Leah_xX:  you just better not be fucking that bitch
BuckRodgers343:  bitch youre crazy!
BuckRodgers343:  aint nobody even got a VCR for u to watch that beat street tape
BuckRodgers343:  may the schwartz be with u bitch!
BuckRodgers343 has logged off

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HYDERABAD, India – Two Indian niggas (red dot… not feather) decided to take the superstitious shit to a level that conventional, incense-burning ass niggas have yet to attain. These fucking assholes attacked an 80-year-old self-proclaimed “holy man” and chopped off his magical leg. That’s right… magical leg. The man claimed that people who touched his magic leg would be cured of illness and/or have wishes granted. I’ve been shaking my magic 8-ball all morning trying find out if he’s crazier than the stupid sons of bitches who were rubbing on his old ass leg, but apparently this shit will remain “unclear”.

According to the police, the dudes got the old nigga drunk and chopped off his magic tibia with a sickle. The cops are currently investigating allegations that the sickle was stolen from Death who was reportedly seen carrying a “skinny bitch with a bad cough” from a back-alley brothel only hours before. “Where the fuck else would a nigga get a sickle?” said R. Ravindranath Reddy, a senior police officer.

At the time of press the man was still alive. Doctors believe that he only survived because he rubbed his magic leg just before the assailants cut that bitch off.

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A report about steroid abuse in MLB released Thursday alleges that the seven-time Cy Young Award winner and future hall of famer Roger Clemens was on that juice… and I ain’t talking about Minute Maid.

Have any of the muhfuccahs who compiled this fucking report actually seen Roger Clemens? The nigga looks like Al Bundy in his New Market Mallers softball uniform. I mean, I’m no fucking expert on the effect of steroids or anything, but shouldn’t the nigga have 24” pythons or a Rottweiler dome or something?

The MLB won’t have to worry about trying to stifle steroid abuse if it makes a nigga get fat and un-athletic.

Full Report

Apparently, last week was a little wilder than even I thought. I woke up this morning, and got a call from Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney. Here’s how our conversation went:

5:47 AM: *Phone rings*

Me: "Who the f*ck is this? Callin’ me at 5:46…"

Mary Cheney: "It’s 5:47"

Me: "You know what the f*ck I meant. Who is this?"

Mary Cheney: "It’s Mary. Mary Cheney. The Vice President’s daughter. Remember, you met me and my girlfriend Wednesday night after you did that round of Jager shots with the Secret Service agents?"

Me: "Ohhhh yeah. How are you? You’re not still walking funny, are you? I told you that you’d better stretch after all the things I did to you and her that night. Heh heh heh"

Mary Cheney: "I’m fine. I need to tell you something."

Me: "What? Your girl wants me all to herself next time? If you don’t mind, I don’t"

Mary Cheney: "No. I’m pregnant"

Me: " B*TCH IT AIN’T MINE!…I mean, how do you know already?"

Mary Cheney: "I took one of our special High Speed White House pregnancy tests. Bill Clinton had them installed in the Oval Office back in 1997. Then, Maury Povitch came over to my house personally to tell me it was yours."

Me: "But I didn’t take a blood test. How do you really know it’s mine?"

Mary Cheney: "Maury said so. That’s good enough for me."

Me: "Fair enough. Does your lesbian life-partner know?"

Mary Cheney: "Yes. She said if any one man would be the guy she’d let knock me up, it would be you. I had to slap her and remind her that she likes girls thanks to your antics that night. Why oh why did God have to make you so damned irresistable?"

Me: "I’m not God, so I can’t answer that. I can only think about it and smile."

Mary Cheney: "We’re going to keep the details vague, because daddy will break out his shotgun and have another "quail hunting accident" on you if he finds out about this. For your safety, I’m not telling the press much. You can tell anyone you want, because no one is going to believe your ashy black ass."

Me: "Is there any way I can get some Halliburton child support checks?"

Mary Cheney: "No, but you can get the f*ck up out my face with that bullsh*t."

Me: "Alright. Well, I’m going back to sleep."

There you have it. I’m the pappy! Yeah, I said it. You heard it here first. A Leon LePhonso Ellis exclusive!

"I push my seed somewhere deep in her chest/I push it naked ’cause I’m takin’ my test/deliver it Mary, it don’t matter the sex/I’m ‘gon name it Rock ‘N Roll"

 
*Note: Everything in this entry above this line is false. In order to avoid a lawsuit, or ending up like that Russian spy, this disclaimer has been placed here.

Let me tell you something.  I’ve spent about 3 and a half summers in the great state of Mississippi, and each time I was glad to leave!

So why all the fuss over Congressman Charles Rangel (NY) saying, "Who the hell wants to live in Mississippi?"  It’s a valid question as far as the Killa is concerned!   One of the congressmen from Mississippi is demanding an apology.  The republican Chip Pickering asks if this kind of insult is what they have to look forward to from a democratic led congress.  NO, it’s the kind of insult you’d recieve from ANYONE whose been to Mississippi!

If they want to get on Charles Rangle about ANYTHING perhaps they should get on him for going to the same stylist as Al Sharpton!

What is it with dudes from New York and conks??? 

Read article here.

HAMILTON, OHIO - City prosecutor Scott Blauvelt, 35 (that aint him above, but he is most likely white), decided to achieve a level of comfort at work only witnessed in the grotto of the Playboy mansion and Booty Talk video shoots. This nigga here was caught walking around the government building where he worked buck ass nekkid eating Twizzlers and drinking Power Aid. I guess the nigga figured it was ok, considering it was common practice at the law firm of Johnson, Dick and Bozac where he once worked. Security guards saw the nigga walking around nekkid on video and hit record thinking they could sell it to one of the gay ass Republicans that have been popping up like herpes outbreaks during a Valtrex drought. After the security guards argued for nearly 45 minutes about who was going to tell this nekkid muhfuccah to put some clothes on, he was arrested and charged with one count of being an idiot and one count of being a nasty ass nigga.

Blauvelt’s lawyer, Michael Gmoser, said in a statement Tuesday that his client suffers from mental illness and is on medication for seizures. Yeah ok, maybe the nigga had a seizure and shook all his fucking clothes off. The only medication that I am aware of that might make a nigga get nekkid at work is a mixture of Hennessy, Ginseng and Ecstasy pills called “The Get Nekkid Cocktail”. Getting nekkid at work isn’t a sign of some latent mental condition, it’s a sign that your ass don’t want to work there no more. I’m certain it says some place in the company conduct guidelines that niggas ain’t supposed to walk around reenacting the “How Does It Feel” video on casual Friday.

His lawyer later argued that his client is a solider from the year 2029 trying to protect Sarah Connor, a woman whose unborn son will lead the human race to victory in a war with machines. He said that although the technology of 2029 was advanced enough to get muhfuccahs back in time, the Republicans of the future demand that all male time travel is done wet and nekkid while a leather clad band plays “Its Raining Men.”

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Classic Material!!

Daily Show: Annual GOP BBQ and Nude Cub Scout Wrestle

Way Too GUTTY!!!

Today in NewYork a small plane has crashed into a residential apartment building. Officials are saying that this incident is NOT terrorist related. At least not yet. Maybe somebody was practicing, who knows. None the less, this makes the THIRD plane that has crashed into a building in NYC in the last 5 years. An alarming ratio when you compare another major city such as Los Angeles. 

NYC = 3 planes / 3 buildings / 5 years.
LA = 0 planes / 0 buildings / Ever.

Advantage = Los Angeles. 

Thats all im sayin.

And of course the media is trying their hardest to relate it to terrorism. Dont be surprised, if by tomorrow it was Aladdin on a flying carpet with a suicide bomb strapped to his chest and a Molotov cocktail who went crashing through the window. 

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