Jack Abramoff, the once-powerful lobbyist at the center of a wide-ranging public corruption investigation, pleaded guilty yesterday to fraud, tax evasion, not giving a fuck about the law, and conspiracy to bribe public officials in a deal that requires him to rat out all the members of congress he paid off, especially Tom DeLay.

The plea deal could totally screw numerous lawmakers on whom Abramoff lavished luxury trips, skybox fundraisers, campaign contributions, jobs for their spouses, and meals at Signatures, the lobbyist's upscale restaurant.

The timing of this could not come a t a worse time, as many Republicans were already shitting themselves worrying about the other problems presently facing this administration. "Good Lord Mr. Abramoff paid off a lot of people!," Alice S. Fisher, head of the Justice Department's criminal division, said at a news conference with other high-ranking officials of the Internal Revenue Service and the FBI. "This is going to be fun!"

Fisher declined to identify the officials under scrutiny. "We name people *cough*Tom Delay*cough* in indictments, " she said, adding: "We are moving very quickly."

Although DeLay refused to comment as he was greeted at his lawyer's office by the press, the t-shirt he wore over his suit that read "Stop snitchin" appeared to say it all. Stay tuned to The INS for the latest on this breaking story.

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